How to Effectively Communicate in Your Love Relationship
Communicating in Intimate relationships
Let’s be real. Communication is hard in general. There are so many ways to communicate both verbally and non-verbally. People struggle with communication at work, with friends, with family, and within intimate relationships.
Communication with an intimate partner may include sharing of feelings, coordinating behavior, persuading the other person to do something, or just imparting a message that the intimate relationship exists and is meaningful.
The way in which we communicate with our partner will define our relationship. Poor communication habits can lead to fighting and unhappiness, but when good communication skills are used your relationship can soar. Below are some best practices to increase effective communication in your love relationships.
Literal messages & meta-messages
There are typically two messages when we communicate something to someone either verbally or nonverbally. One is the literal message, symbols that have literal meaning i.e. “it’s raining.” The second is the meta-message or how it is interpreted by the receiver. The meta-messages will also include the reasons for the literal message and the nature of the relationship between the sender and receiver.
For example, if I told my boyfriend “it’s raining outside,” as the receiver he will process the symbol of the words “it’s raining” and portray the mental image in his mind of the rain outside. He may or may not have already been aware that it’s raining, but now he’s interpreting the meta-messages that were included with my literal message. Why did I mention that it’s raining outside? The meta-message might have been “I care about you so please take an umbrella” or it might have been “I know you hate the rain so let’s do something to cheer you up.” Now, my boyfriend may or may not interpret it as the way I meant it. This is where there can be miscommunication. Acknowledging and responding to the meta-messages in communication can be even more important than responding to the literal message. And that’s why we need to learn how to communicate clearly.
Sending clear messages
Clear messages most accurately represent the sender’s intent for the communication. Changing “you-statements” to “I-statements” are usually the best way to get your message across. For example, “I feel upset.” This sentence is sending a clear message about the way you are feeling. Whereas, “you made me upset” is accusatory and may cause your partner to become defensive. “I feel upset” avoids placing blame and allows for your partner to follow up perhaps with, “Why do you feel upset?” Then you as the sender can explain, then leading to an open and honest conversation.
Effective listening
Of course communication is not a one way street. On the receiving end you must effectively listen to the other person. When you are listening, you are sending nonverbal messages that communicate whether you are actively listening or not. If you know how to actively listen and remember to do so, when it’s your turn to respond you can effectively demonstrate that you were in fact listening. Here are a few ways to do that.
Give your partner your full attention. If you are not able to give your full attention at the time i.e., you’re sleepy, you’re about to get an important phone call, etc, simply express this and ask if you can talk later because you want to be able to provide your full attention. This tells your partner that what he or she has to say is important to you rather than half listening while you’re doing other things or can’t focus at the time.
Make eye contact. Maintaining eye contact is one of the best ways to let anyone know that you are listening and what they are saying is important to you. Get on equal levels with your partner so you are either both sitting or both standing.
Just listen. You can express that you are listening with gestures such as a head nod or slight verbalization such as “yes” or “I see”. Wait for your partner to finish until you provide a response unless they have asked for one.
Be Empathic. Ask yourself, “what is he/she feeling right now?” Try to “hear” your partner’s feelings and be open to his/her feelings, thoughts, and ideas.
Be non-judgmental. Try not to judge or evaluate what your partner is saying while they are saying it. Try not to correct your partner while they are speaking. If they are criticizing you, instead of coming up with your defense, be open to what they are saying.
Summarize. The best way to demonstrate and make sure that you understood what your partner has said is to summarize. This way you can both ensure that the message was received as intended and no one is left guessing. If clarification is needed, ask for it.
Acknowledge the emotions. Acknowledge the emotions your partner may have expressed and provide feedback that shows you understand, “It seems to me that you’re feeling… Do I have that right?”
Praise your partner's efforts. If this was a difficult conversation, it was probably hard for your partner to bring up. Acknowledge your partner for taking the time to talk about it with you and expressing their feelings. The fact that your partner has expressed his/her thoughts/ideas/feelings speaks to their investment in the relationship and your acknowledgement of it shows yours.
Be unconditional. Let your partner know that you respect what they’re saying even if you are uncomfortable with it. Assure them that even though it is difficult, you are willing to work through whatever it is. But of course, say this only if you mean it.
Expressing anger constructively
Even if you say you “don’t fight”, conflicts, arguments, and disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. In fact, I would say that it is quite abnormal if you don’t disagree or fight. But it’s the manner in which you fight or have an argument that could be cause for concern and can either make or break the relationship.
Here are some suggestions to express anger constructively:
Don’t yell. If you feel like yelling and screaming at your partner, you’re not ready to talk yet. Practice an effective coping skill to calm down first like taking a walk, breathing exercises, etc.
Don’t let it build up over time. If you have something on your mind, I can almost guarantee it that your partner would rather hear it now than later.
Pick a time and place. It’s true. There is a time and place to have a fight. Over dinner in front of the kids may not be such a good place. The privacy of your bedroom is better. Picking a time will help ensure that both of you are physically and psychologically ready to discuss whatever is bothering you. Right before bed or right before a big interview, maybe not the best time.
Be specific and don’t retaliate. Stay on topic to the current issue at hand. Retaliating by bringing up old issues you’ve already discussed won’t help solve anything. Be specific about what is upsetting you at this current time.
Attack the problem, not each other. Remember those “I-statements” mentioned earlier. Here is where you want to use them. Work on finding a solution to the problem. Degrading each other will not solve it. Even if you are upset with your partner, you still love them and you can still acknowledge what you value and appreciate about them even when you’re fighting.
Know when it is time to stop. Some people say, “never go to bed angry.” Sometimes that’s just not possible. Stop and think, is this issue really worth losing sleep over? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean you have to argue all through the night. If it’s not getting resolved, you both may need time to think about it and come back to the conversation later.
Engaging in sexual or affectionate behavior doesn’t mean all is forgiven. It may even perpetuate the problem and let your partner know that whatever they did or said to make you angry is okay.
Most importantly, no matter how mad you or your partner may be, intentionally hurting the other person emotional or physically is abuse. If you are being abused by your partner, find a safe space and call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit https://www.thehotline.org/help/.
The Five Love Languages
Another way to learn how to effectively communicate and express intimacy with your partner is to learn their top Love Language and to know yours too. Just like how we all have our preferred learning style, we also have our preferred ways of receiving and giving love. Learning your partner’s top Love Language (the way in which they like to receive love) will help strengthen your relationship.
The Five Love Languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Your Love Language profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others. You can take the quiz here: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/.
Need more advice? Feel free to reach out to us anytime.
References: Edlin, Gordin; Golanty, Eric; Health & Wellness, 13th Edition; 2019.
