Another weight loss revelation

It was late 2022 when I shocked myself with the number I saw on the scale. 114 pounds. This was the lowest weight since… did I ever weigh this? Maybe not since middle school. And not even when I was practically starving myself on the Caveman diet in 2015 so I could fit into a bridesmaid dress. Yet, here I am not even trying by my standards, and losing weight consistently. I almost panicked thinking, what’s wrong, yet I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride. Like I was finally doing something right, but I questioned it still. “I don’t deserve this.” “I'm not working hard enough for this.” This was following a steady decline in my weight for about 15 months. I wasn’t on a crazy diet. I wasn’t working out like a mad person. It just happened. Ha, how much time did I spend over the years trying to will myself to lose weight? “Why can’t I be like a normal person and just eat normal and lose weight?” I spent years just wishing and hoping to see a lower number on the scale, because that’s when I thought I’d be happy. “If only I was skinny I’d be happy.” It’s ironic because it actually worked the other way around. It wasn’t until I found happiness with myself and my body that I lost weight seemingly with little effort. 

A selfie I took the week my FH and I met.

Backtrack to the summer of 2021. Unknowingly at the time, I met my future husband. I was already dating someone and I was also in between apartments. I was house sitting and going from place to place while in the midst of trying to buy my first home. I was stressed, lonely, working from home and hating it, and totally confused. It was craziness. So I did what I always did, stress ate and binged ate out of pure loneliness trying to fill a void I didn’t know I had. Until, I fell in love. Now, not to turn this into a love story, this is my weight loss/normal eating revelation story, but I fell hard. Like the can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t possibly do anything else with yourself but think about this person kind of falling in love. And the same was happening for him. So what was the problem? Well.. I was already seeing someone else, remember? Mind you, this someone else was a year long rebound relationship following a tumultuous five year on again off again stint, but this is an important part of the story too. I realized that all the men who came before the one, were obsessed with my body which just fed into my own obsession of how I looked. With the on again, off again guy, he judged everything I did, ate, and wore. He was obsessed with sex and how he looked as well. He was a workout fiend too and even though it wasn't always direct, I felt the expectation to keep up with him. Like I wasn’t ever good enough. Then with the rebound guy, not to toot my own horn, but I was hotter than him and he let me know it. While he was much nicer and more respectful than the judgy guy, he thought my body was hot, and I knew it and I used that to my advantage. So again, I had an obsession with my body and how I looked. Throughout these previous relationships, I kept myself active, but I was still over eating constantly, never fully satisfied with anything in my life. And so I used food as my escape because I didn’t have enough respect for myself to say bye-bye to the snacks or bye-bye to the “snacks.”

First flowers from FH.

So to continue the story, things ended with the rebound guy, and things started with my future husband. But during the part where I didn’t know what to do because I was with someone else and about to buy a house, but the future husband wanted to move to Los Angeles with me, a move I had also dreamt of doing myself, I lost about 5 pounds, mostly because I was too anxious to eat. But also because the future husband and I would spend hours and hours together, too lost in each other’s eyes to even remember what food was. And when we finally did because the hunger pangs started screaming at us, we could still barely eat. Yeah, it was that kind of swooning we had for each other. But don’t worry, we will go on to eat many, many meals, snacks, and desserts together. We truly enjoy food. So anyway, I continued to lose weight even throughout the beginning of our relationship, because was I really going to eat a whole pint of ice cream in front of this new person on his own couch? Hell no! So what started as more of a polite/self-conscious behavior change actually became a new habit. I actually lost my cravings for my binge eating behaviors. I didn’t want it and I actually stopped thinking about it. And it’s not because I stopped liking ice cream! FH and I both love ice cream! We always have it at home, but instead of lasting a day, it lasts in my freezer for up to a month. Wow, this is progress! Now if I feel like having something, like ice cream or cookies, I’ll just eat it! I don’t deprive myself and then binge later. I don’t buy all the diet versions of everything. I choose what is supposed to taste good and feed my soul. I just have it if I feel like it. And you know what, most of the time, I don’t feel like it! I feel like eating fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins that nourish my body. Because I like how it makes me feel, both mentally and physically. Binge eating and snacking was not feeding my body or my soul, it was feeding my emptiness, my self-doubt, my fears and insecurities. 

So fast forward to the start of 2023, I’ve lost about 15 pounds in almost 18 months and upon reflection I realized that I actually learned to listen to my body. Learning to listen and respect my hunger and fullness cues was huge! Now, I actually know when to stop eating and I don’t ignore it. 

So my main takeaway? My relationship with food has greatly improved. I don’t need crazy diets or workout plans after all. I feel super strong, healthy, sexy, & confident and I wonder if that’s in part because I’m with someone who I’m so comfortable and safe with, someone who is not obsessed with the way I look. And what I needed? I just needed to respect myself and my body, and find someone who does as well.